One of the most hopeless feelings is the first time you realize that no matter how much you try your hardest, it will never be good enough. Being a person who is stuck on perfection, this realization hit hard. Naturally, my Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) isn’t happy with this fact and pushes harder for perfection, leading to even more disappointment.
The realization that I will never be enough hit me at work. Being surrounded by racks of unorganized clothes, that I’m not going to have the time to fix, is beyond frustrating for me. I see now real improvement for all of my time spent putting returns and stuff from the fitting room back in place. The racks still aren’t completely organized by size and color, stuff is in the wrong area. I feel worthless, like despite my best efforts nothing is really changing.
While working, my brain goes down a spiral of negativity due to my lack of ability to bring orderliness to the environment around me. I start to wonder why I even bother to live if I’m never going to be able to satisfy my never ending need for perfection. I wonder how people are able to be happy in a world with so much chaos.
I wonder if I will ever be able to be happy again, or if my happiness will be forever be lost to my OCD. My happiness seems like a lost cause, something that is far out of reach. The only way I can find some sense of purpose, a reason to live, is to help others find their own happiness. It doesn’t matter how I feel as long as I can positively impact the lives of others.
Without school, my sense of purpose is lost, I lose my reason to live. I need something to fight for, something to give me the determination to cling to life. Somehow, I will have to learn how to find happiness in imperfection, to find purpose amidst the chaos. I have too much potential to positively impact the world to give up, which gives me the hope that no matter how dark my thoughts get, I will fight on.