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Fear of Life

Life is very fragile, one wrong move and everything will fall apart. It feels like a cruel game, when things are finally not going completely horrible something tips my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) back into freak out mode. My days become rollercoasters, and when the OCD has rushed up again I wonder if I will be able to make it through the next wave.

For me, the OCD related anxiety usually comes in waves. The generalized anxiety is more of a constant anxiety that I am used to, the feeling that something is about to go wrong all the time. However, OCD will get triggered by something and randomly spike, and it feels like the world is falling apart, everything as I know it comes into question and is fair game for my OCD.

The waves of OCD make me afraid of triggering it, of sitting through the panic that is however long my OCD decides, rarely able to concentrate and be productive. I hesitate to do anything new unless I don’t have anything going the rest of the day. If I have a lot of tasks to do, I actively avoid anything to trigger my OCD in hopes that I can have as productive of an evening of homework as possible (which still isn’t productive because of my homework-related compulsions).

While I know that giving in to some of the compulsions and avoiding triggers makes my OCD worse, I am not able to challenge everything while being able to function. I can barely handle one challenge against my OCD, so challenging the millions of things is has taken over in my life would be setting myself up for failure. For me, winning the battle will be like the tortoise from the tortoise and the hare, slow and steady will win the race.

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