Opposite of Anxious
I only rarely get a brief relief from anxiety, but those times come with their own challenges. Each weekend I mentally prepare myself to face whatever goes on in my mind. I don’t yet have a name for it yet, but it makes anxiety seem kind of nice.
Each weekend I lose all motivation, all hope. I question why I try so much during the week, where I got the energy and motivation. Life seems so pointless then, we are all going to die, so why bother? I want to break off all contact, and never leave the safety of the bed.
I sleep, partly to catch up from the week’s sleep deprivation, and also to avoid the dark places my mind goes in this state. Nothing seems to matter, and if left alone, my mind goes down into a dark place, where happiness doesn’t seem to exist.
In this state, doing homework is pointless. I have no real motivation to get out of bed, let along tackle calculus. Instead, I think of the peace that will come when I die, while trying to force down the hope that some accident will bring me there soon. I don’t like the idea of suicide, it feels wrong to me to mess with life like that, without knowing exactly how my death would affect things. However, being killed by an accident is out of my control, I wouldn’t be responsible for the ripple effect it would cause, and I would be free.
Even in this dark place, there is a tiny light, a small reminder that there is still hope, that I can’t completely give up. So, I attempt to be as productive as I can (which really isn’t productive at all). I make it out of bed and do my routine, then usually end up sleeping on the couch. For the day or so that my anxiety isn’t overwhelming, I seem to cease to have any motivation or conviction at all.
Then, my anxiety comes back, and I am back to myself. I do my homework, and stress about the week to come. In addition, I beat myself up for all the time I wasted while in that dark state. I wonder how on earth could I have so little motivation, because anxiety is pumping through my veins and is in every breath that I take.
Then, after a long and anxiety filled week, the weekend is before me, and the dip in anxiety comes again. The dark thoughts come back, and my motivation melts away.
I would choose anxiety any day over the dark mood. I know how to work with anxiety and make it through the day. However, on the weekend I seem to lose the will to live, and I don’t know what to do. My fear is that with working to get my anxiety to a manageable level, the dark feeling will overtake my entire life, and I will lose all hope, motivation, and happiness.
I have no fix for the dark mood. All I can do is make myself anxious (which isn’t too hard). However, should I just accept that I will have to be anxious my entire life to be productive? Surely, there has to be another way. Maybe, by bringing the darkness into the light, I will figure out how to manage the opposite of anxiety.