Blurred Life

I was driving on the interstate, worried about being late, when my vision suddenly goes out of focus to the point where I can’t see anything except bright light. A few second later when I get my vision back, I see that I’m halfway off the interstate in the ditch. I jerk back on the road, terrified, surprised, and confused. I could have gotten injured or even died had there not been just grass on the side of the road. Once again, a new incident is taking over my entire life, fueling my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).

I started having vision issues the beginning of 10th grade, so for about a year. When it first started happening it was pretty infrequent and I still had my peripheral vision so I was able to stay on the road when it happened while I was driving (although it was still pretty scary). I didn’t think much of it since it didn’t happen all that much, and I didn’t think to tell anyone about it (a very idiotic thing for me to do). Slowly, slow enough where I didn’t notice, I was losing focus more and more, but I still didn’t register that anything was wrong.

After I nearly crashed I told my mom and I went to an eye doctor and regular doctor. I explained to them that my eyes suddenly lose focus, and that my vision blurs to the point where I can’t see. It happens for a few second at a time, and sometimes multiple times in a row. Both doctors didn’t have a good idea of what was going on, and I am going to go to neurology once I am able to get in. They decided that it is either an atypical migraine (since I don’t get headaches), something neurological, or anxiety related.

My mom and I think my loss of focus is due to anxiety, since it only happens at school or when I am driving somewhere kind of stressful, which both produce a fair amount of anxiety. If it is anxiety related, there really isn’t a ton I can do since my anxiety disorders won’t just magically go away.

Currently I am not able to drive, and I don’t know if I wil get to the point of being able to in the future. I don’t want to crash, and while I’m still having vision issues driving is not safe. The idea of maybe driving again is terrifying for me, since I know how easily my vision could go. I was lucky with my almost crash, I could have easily actually crashed and gotten injured, or even died. Every day I think about it and my mind makes up all of the potential bad outcomes that could have happened.

I am becoming more and more concerned about my vision, and the stress it’s causing is probably contributing to my vision issues. My OCD is taking hold, and I keep envisioning scenarios where I lose my vision and bad stuff happens. I have become nervous of doing things for fear of losing my ability to focus on what I’m seeing.

However, I know that I cannot give in to my OCD, I have to keep fighting. I am going to drive as long as there is someone in the car to grab the wheel in case my vision blurs, even though the thought is terrifying to me. I am going to do things that stress me out, even though it could cause me to lose my vision. I am not going to give up, and will continue to live my life despite the challenges thrown my way.