Do I Have a Future?
Where are you planning to go to college? What do you want to major in? Have you thought about dating? Where do you want to live? Being a junior in high school, these questions are coming more and more frequently, with me not really having a clue how to answer. I have no real clue what I want to do in life or how things are going to turn out. I don’t even know if I will be able to handle my future, and that terrifies me.
High school is usually the time when people start dating, but I have no intention to date. I don’t like to touch people, so how on earth could I date, since that usually involves hugging, holding hands, and kissing. In addition, with all of my compulsions finding time to spend with someone isn’t very feasible. I wouldn’t enjoy any time spent with them because I’d be worried about all of the stuff I have to do. Going on a date to a restaurant would be interesting because of my difficulty with food, and I avoid all complements and any mention of how I look (low self esteem and body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) are a blast). I have such a rigid way of living, I can’t imagine anyone wanting to date me. Who wants to be with someone who is constantly distracted by their thoughts and tells them that they didn’t do something correctly all the time?
Since dating doesn’t seem like it will happen for me, I can easily rule out ever getting married. I’m not too upset about it because the idea of that kind of commitment scares me. Who knows, the other person could have horrible secrets they are hiding and I’d have no clue. They could easily change and become a horrible person. Divorce rates are going up, so I’d probably not be missing out on much.
College is a huge deal to me, and not knowing where I’m going or what I’m majoring in is extremely unsettling. Even more terrifying is the thought that I won’t be mentally stable enough to go. I can barely make it through high school, how on earth would I manage college? I’d have more homework, more adult responsibilities, and I’d probably have to get a job. Realistically, there is no way I’d be able to handle that unless a miracle happened. With so much of my life focused on making it into college, I don’t know what I’d do if I wasn’t able to go.
If a miracle happened and I made it through college, the real world would be my next obstacle. Being by myself is a recipe for things spiraling out of control, so I don’t know what will happen living wise. I am also terrified of going into debt, so I’d barely spend money and probably avoid eating to save money. Grades are a ginormous part of my life, and not having a grade for work would be very hard for me. How would I know if I was doing well of not? The employers could be thinking of firing me and I’d have no idea since there don’t have grades. The stress of having my financial well being resting on keeping job is very unnerving. I am already worried about potentially losing my job in the future. I need to make money, but I don’t even know if I will be mentally stable.
One of my biggest fears is going to a mental hospital. Since I’m barely staying afloat right now, my future mental stability doesn’t look that great. However, I do not want to be removed from my life like a stay at a ward would do. So much of my life is reliant on routines and stability that if I were to get to the point of having to go to a psych ward, I’d probably come completely undone. I feel that if I end up going that the trajectory of my life would be ruined and that no one would ever hire me or accept me into college since I’d be considered unstable. Logically, I know that if I was at the point I’d need the help, but I don’t want to risk my future job/college.
Thinking back, there have definitely been some times where I probably should have been sent to a psych ward, but I made things seem less bad so that I could stay in the safely of my routines. Everyone says that as you get older you get more and more stressed, so how on earth am I going to make it through the rest of my life in tact? I want to be successful, happy, and balanced, but more and more I feel like I’m on the edge of snapping. One person can only take so much stress, lack of sleep, and malnourishment.
Despite the constant struggle I will have in the future, I cling to the hope that things will get better. That I will be mentally and physically balanced. That even if I do have to stay in a mental hospital, that I’ll be able to come out and continue my life without issue. Some people might say that I’m being unreasonably optimistic considering the downward spiral of my life, but that hope is all I have, and I will not let go of it.