Obsessions of a Perfectionist

I play through my scales again, feeling like my life is on the line, even though I had already been practicing them for an hour. Logically, I know that my scales are just fine, even better than fine, but I can’t seem to stop playing them. Practicing French horn used to bring my such joy, but now it feels like a trap. My Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) already takes so much away from me, and now not even band is safe. I started playing French horn the summer before 5th gra

The first day of school is time for learning, making friends, and catching up; but for me school is going back to a cage. However, this isn’t a simple cage, it is invisible to others and slowly closing in around me. My life is controlled by grades, homework, tests, and due dates. Teachers and friends talk about how important grades are to my future college and job, making things worse. My life becomes smaller, and my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) around school gets bigg

I sit in church, in agony, an oval of skin scratched raw between my thumb and pointer finger on both hands. I try to stop scratching my hands, but it feels impossible to stop. I feel like the worst person on earth for being in church, but the more I avoid going the harder it is when I’m actually there. My Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) has controlled religion for me throughout my life. Now, at 16 years old, I am finally realizing how OCD infiltrated religion for me. My f

(Trigger warning: in this post I talk about suicide. If you are in a hard place please be careful if you choose to read it. To those of you contemplating suicide- please get help, do whatever you have to do in order to get help. I care about you and want you to live.) I used to want nothing more than to die. I’d lie awake at night imagining ways I could commit suicide, just wishing that it would happen. I didn’t realize that I was falling down a dark hole, and I hid it so wel

I sit in the same room as my dad, using all of my willpower to not scream at him and tell him to leave and never talk to me again. My dad didn’t do anything wrong, he was just in the same room as me. This is a newer way my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is taking over my life. I think the origin of my new obsession is that my dad used to set off my triggers for his own amusement (yes, it is as mean as it sounds, and he doesn’t see anything wrong with it). His favorite wa

A bagel, a simple and delicious piece of food, and yet to me it is poison. I am afraid to eat many foods due to years of believing I was allergic or sensitive to food. Now, I know that it is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and an eating disorder, but I cannot magically undo years of fear and avoiding certain foods. Diet culture reinforces my rigid eating, and I fight every day to free myself from the perception society has of food and “healthy” eating. This is my constan

I have no clue how I made it through my sophomore year of high school. It was pretty horrible, with constant anxiety and barely any sleep. I am going to walk you through a typical day my 10th grade self went through, third quarter of the school year. I am not exaggerating, this is what I went through on a daily basis. 3:25 a.m. My first alarm goes off, and barely wakes me up. I only got 4 hours of sleep, but I still have homework to do. I drag myself out of bed by sheer deter

My entire life has been dictated by rules. My obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) tells me that it is the only way to handle the uncertainties in life. As part of my treatment for OCD, I made a list of my obsessions and compulsions, so that I can work to overcome them. I want to share what I am going through to show that OCD isn't just being neat, obsessions and compulsions can be anything. This is my own personal experience, everyone with OCD has a different story. This list

Dear friend, I have obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), along with social anxiety, generalized anxiety, body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), and an eating disorder. Previously I haven’t talked much, if any, about them with you but that is going to change. My OCD has been getting continually worse, and I can no longer brush it under the rug. I will be actively working towards my recovery, and if you are interested I am going to tell you what you can do to help me. First off, you m

Dear family, You have plenty of experience dealing with the effects of my mental illness, and want me to get better for the sake of not only me, but for the family as a whole. There are some things that you as family members can do to help me in my journey to recover from OCD. Don’t reassure me, ever. While it will ease my anxiety in the moment, it will hurt my long term recovery. Don’t try to force me to do exposures. It is my recovery and I am the one going through the anxi